So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
