I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
