The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
