Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
