I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
