I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
