Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
