Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
dude. I can hear the air.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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