Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
