Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
