my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
