had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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