if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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