I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
