I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
