Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
