I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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