When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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