Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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