Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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