So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
