come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
