The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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