Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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