his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
