Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
