Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
