where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
