Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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