my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
