Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
