I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
