I am puke
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
