theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
