She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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