my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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