twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
