Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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