Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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