Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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