I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
