honey bunches of taint.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
