I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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