Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
