I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
