I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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