some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Dignity is for republicans.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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