god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
