I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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