Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
